No means no

People work at their best when they’re not overburdened. Sometimes that means having to decline when colleagues make requests for your time or your effort (and even foregoing things you might want to do yourself). Joining that committee, taking on that extra project or helping with a task for me? Absolutely not.

But while ‘learn to say no’ is a classic piece of career advice, ‘learn to accept no’ is more rarely advised. Yet that is often the more important part of the conversation if you’re going to encourage a healthy workplace culture.

In general people want to be helpful – to say ‘yes’ – but for various reasons it’s not always possible. Excellent job candidates lose out because only one position is available; finite budgets mean that even brilliant research proposals don’t get funded. Still, it can be harder to have someone say no to you when you’re asking for their help or if it’s for something you think you deserve.

It’s natural in that moment to have an emotional reaction. But it’s important not to take that out on whoever turned you down. It’s also important to recognise that in many cases, it’s just not worth arguing. Maybe you do deserve a pay rise, but there’s simply no budget for it – it might be worth challenging the decision, but you have to be prepared for the answer to remain no, and then to let it go.

Persistence and perseverance are sometimes talked of as meaning you should never take no for an answer. But this can be counterproductive. Not only can you end up sinking a lot of time and effort into activities that are ultimately fruitless, but you can leave a bad impression on the person you’re trying to persuade. After all, would you want to work with someone who doesn’t seem able to take feedback on board?

For me, the real meaning of perseverance is about accepting the times you’re told ‘no’, evaluating the situation and then making the most of the opportunities that remain available to you.

If your employer won’t increase your pay, perhaps it’s time to look for a new one. If someone says they’re too busy to help you with a task, find someone else. Whatever you do, don’t try guilt-tripping the original person into doing it anyway – while that might make your life easier in the short term, longer-term you’re going to be building resentment against you.

And who knows? Accepting a no now might build up goodwill towards you that makes it more likely that the next answer will be a yes.